Foreword

In these confused, depraved, and demented times, we cannot overstate the urgency of providing an essential resource readily available to the clueless. The dumbing down and coarsening of discourse currently pervading all and every aspect of private and public life has prompted us to reconsider our own role in this disgraceful situation and do our very best to atone for past sins. Humbly following in the entrenched footsteps of Noah Webster and the OED we have decided to translate the Vulgate into an easy to read, how-to book. As if anyone reads anymore anyway.

 

The importance of edification in language cannot be underestimated in terms of sheer semiotic confluence. In this regard, we have decided to rescue the language, the language of sea and air, formerly the language of the Bard. We intend to bring all people who even can’t read back into the “loop” even if their investments in Enron and 401-k’s are sucking the toilet.

 

We have profound misgivings, to say the least, about our publisher and agent, who have persistently dismissed our efforts as unforgivably puerile. But we have prevailed, against ridiculous odds. The following is thus a grand summation of our Sisyphean labors to inform and educate the clueless.

 

We are not entirely pessimistic but we hope in our own small way that we shall have contributed to the promotion and exegesis of America’s principal product: bullshit.

 

 

 

 

 

Dictionary for the Totally Clueless

 

Aardvark: Joke word to begin all dictionaries. Apparently some kind of anteater. No one has ever seen one.

 

A.A.: “Hi, my name is Joe and I’m an alcoholic, a substance abuser, and a sodomite.” Always respond, “Hi, Joe,” and leave a pint of cheap whiskey behind on your seat. Meetings usually held in church basement bingo parlor.

 

Abnormal: Say what? Politically incorrect, obsolete word with no current application. 

 

Abstract: Are you talking about abstract?

 

Accountant: Bean counter. Put these beans on one side, the rest on the other and then lie through your teeth about the results.

 

Actor: Theatrical exhibitionist who carves the attention and adulation of total strangers.

 

Addiction: Say, “He has a Jones as long as Broadway.” We all have at least one, which must be concealed.

 

Adult beverages: No blender drinks or anything with a little umbrella in it.

 

Adult movies: XXX. Every home should have some.

 

Adult diapers: If you wear them, wear them with style. Keep your eye on the restroom. See Incontinent.

 

Agent: Professional diner-outer. Everyone needs one.

 

AIDS: Disease of baloney ponies and substance abusers. God’s wrath. Always feel sorry for those afflicted.

 

Airbag: Old airhead.

 

Airheads: Not enough room in the dictionary to list them all.

 

Alzheimer’s Disease: Forget about it, we don’t remember. Who are you anyway? See Ronald Reagan.

 

Androgyny: Chicks with dicks. Makes one’s sphincter twitch.

 

Anorexia: Only disease unknown in the third world.

 

Anthrax: “Go postal!” Not to confused with Uncle Thrax.

 

Arabs: Immediately blame them for any disaster except earthquakes or hurricanes. In your country club locker room you may refer to them as “towel heads” or “dune boogers.”

 

Art World: Theme park franchise with branches in New York, Cologne, and Santa Fe. Dress code strictly enforced.

 

Artists: Fraudulent, shallow, craven, duplicitous freeloaders. So spoiled they think they must be funded by the taxpayer.

 

Astrology: Always snicker at it. Read it religiously in the New York Post.

 

Atom Bomb: Obsolete weapon. Nothing to worry about. Ignore it.

 

Awesome: Cool. See Teenage Speak.

 

                              ******************************

 

Bad Rap: All of it. See Gangsta. What Lowinsky got and deserved.

 

Bag of Nails: Newscasters, talk show hosts, Charlie Rose.

 

Bailout: Safety net for the free market system. Limited to giant, mismanaged, bankrupt corporations who deserve a second chance.

 

Bar: Home away from home. “The Office.” “It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that swing.”

 

Barney: Plush childrens’ toy on steroids.

 

Bartok: Hungarian mumbling on a stool. See Bar, loquacious regulars, ignore Muzak.

 

Beaujolais Nouveau: Bad French wine rushed to the United States and sold as the middle class version of Night Train Express.

 

Bell Curve: Read Sylvia Plath. Place your head in oven, turn on gas.

 

Binge: The Nineties. See Hangover.

 

Black Hole: A racist remark, always say black ho.

 

Bland: “In the land of the bland, the one track mind is king!”

 

Bloody: Vulgar English word. In polite society only used in the context of, “I’ll have another Bloody Mary.”

 

Bohemia: Upscale Mexican beer.

 

Bon Vivant: Don’t ask, don’t tell. 

 

Book: Obsolete form of communication replaced by CD-ROM. Also “to leave.”

 

Booze: Derogatory term for ambrosia. Always say, “I’ll drink to that!” Never say, “I’ll buy the next round!” unless you won the lottery.

 

Bookie: See Broker.

 

Border Town: Tijuana, Juarez, Matamoros, Weehawken. Let your hair down! Family vacation destination.

 

Bourgeoisie: See Shareholders. See Mencken: “Boobeoise.” Bourgeoisie of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your SUV, your cell phone, and your self-esteem! Always fulminate against.

 

Brain: Grey matter. Not reliable. Has a mind of its own. Likes to drink, smoke, and do drugs. See Fried. If you don’t have much of one, you are in the majority.

 

Brie: Always prefer to Camembert which is too “cheesy.” Serve with bad wine from Oregon, Australia or Long Island.

 

Broker: See Bookie

 

Budget: Strive to balance it no matter what the cost. Requires very, very creative accounting. See Arthur Andersen.

 

Burlesque: See Dick Cheney.

 

Bulimia: Gag me with a spoon!

 

Bush One: Poppy. Not to confused with Popeye.

 

Bush Two: Shrub. Dubya. Spud. Not to be confused with Mr. Potato Head. Flunked remedial Ebonics.

 

Bush Three: Wake up. It’s just a nightmare.

 

Buzzword: Just about everything in this dictionary.

 

                             *****************************

 

Capital: Say it around British people. “That’s capital!” “Capital idea!”

 

Capitalism: Benefits all by concentrating wealth in the hands of the few.

 

Capital Punishment: Must always be humane.

 

Car Alarm: Urban annoyance. When alarm goes off, cheer on the thief and pelt the car with eggs.

 

Catcher: As in Yogi.

 

Catholics: Have shame. See Flaming Queens. Will confess under certain conditions.

 

Cat-scan: See Fancy Feast, Meow Mix.

 

Cave: See Osama Bin Laden, Dick Cheney, and Batman. Also “capitulate.” Never do it unless your tit is in the ringer. See Spelunking.

 

Cayman Islands: Tropical vacation spot for the currency of your choice.

 

Celebrity Elite: Mass murderers, movie stars, talk show hosts, political pundits, athletes, rock n’ rollers, sex offenders, super models, Wall Street operators, cartoon characters.

 

Cell Phone: Peculiar appendage caused by genetic mutation due to microwave transmissions. Prosthetic device to aid those who suffer from logorrhea. Should immediately be furnished to ranting nuts to make them look “normal.”

 

CEO: Captains of Industry. Hyperventilated hot dog chute. Exceedingly well compensated until trapped like a shithouse rat.

 

Channel Surfing: Always complain there is nothing to watch. You are probably right. Not to be confused with butt surfing.

 

Chairman of the Board: Archaic term for late crooner.

 

Cheap Shot: Go to the beginning of the dictionary.

 

Chimp: Our closest relative. No social skills. Do not invite for holiday festivities.

 

Chump: You’re it, buddy.

 

Chump Change: Your salary.

 

Chaos Theory: See CIA.

 

Chowderhead: Bill Gates thinks this is a misspelling of “showerhead.”

 

CIA: See Chaos Theory.

 

Class Action Suits: Manufactured by Ralph Lauren and Giorgio Armani. Only worn by yuppies and Hollywood agents.

 

Co-dependence: Shacking up.

 

Colonoscopy: A serious pain in the ass. Check this out!

 

Colostomy Bag: When changing always say enthusiastically, “Papa’s/Mama’s got a brand new bag!”

 

Communism: Discredited, Godless, inefficient system. Will always be defeated by the spirit of free enterprise and the market economy.

 

Community Service: “Get out of jail free” card.

 

Compassion: Show it when it doesn’t cost anything.

 

Condom: “Jimmy Hat,” “Casper the Friendly Ghost.” Must never be distributed to school children.

 

Consumer: Always defend “consumer rights,” except when they interfere with “economic growth.” Use interchangeably with “citizen.”

 

Convent: “Get thee to a convent!” What goes on under the hood? Nun the less, exploited show biz totem. The Flying Nun, Mother Theresa, The Singing Nun, Sister Wendy, Whoopi Goldberg. Not to be confused with Turkish bordello or the Nun’s Tail.

 

Convention: Bad excuse for mass hysterical behavior.

 

Conventional Wisdom: The TV news. Believe it all as long as it comes from Hack, pundits on PBS.

 

Crack: Waning scourge brought on by Colombian drug-lords with thanx and a hat tip to General Noriega and Oliver North.

 

Creationism: Adam and Eve had pet dinosaurs, just like the Flintstones.

 

Credit Card: Always say, “Plastic.”

 

Cut The Cheese: French expression for buttered bread. Use it to show how sophisticated you are.

 

Cyber: Prefix that can be attached to just about everything.

 

                                  **********************

 

Dalai Lama: Hello, Dalai! “Master of the Celebrity Universe.” Second only to Enron Hubbard.

 

Dating: Always say when you really mean fucking.

 

Deal: “The Art of…”

 

Death: “Be not proud.”

 

Deficit Spending: Denounce it and apply for new credit card.

 

Democrats: Slightly left wing Republicans.

 

Derivative: No one knows but hedge fund operators and they’re not talking.

 

Devil: Cooking term. You can only do it with ham or eggs.

 

Dictator: Yowsuh, boss.

 

Diesel Dykes: Gasoline powered water baffles used to control the flood tides in Venice.

 

Digital: Anything having to do with fingers or toes.

 

Dilettante: Professional meathead. Also see Chowderhead. French word for “boob.”

 

Discharge: If you have it, immediately take antibiotics.

 

Disc Jockey: Archaic term for “DJ.” Not to be confused with desk jockey.

 

Disclaimers: Lawyers always insist on them. Always sign even if you have no idea what they’re talking about.

 

Dish: Lispy form of “diss.”

 

Disney World: “Magic Kingdom.”

 

Disrespect: Always say“diss.”

 

Divorce: See “Every Home Should Have One.”

 

Dodo: Rockefeller spouse. Only rich people are allowed to use such names.

 

Doggy Bag: Pooper scooper receptacle.

 

Dog House: See Hot Dog Chute. Fido doesn’t live here anymore. Do not confuse with God’s house.

 

Dogmatic: Vibrator for doing it doggy style.

 

Doom: “And gloom.”

 

Dot Com: Famous Las Vegas chanteuse and stripper. Now virtually digitalized.

 

Downsizing: What’s inside a sleeping bag. Needs Viagra.

 

*Drag Queen: Poker term: “Dragging the queen.” Always check out the size of hands. Someone who lives in Jamaica Bay.

 

Dow Jones: “The average.”

 

Dwarf: Always say, “Little people,” or “Height challenged.’ Not to be confused with midget.

 

                                 ***********************

 

EBay: Not to be confused with Bombay. Forget, “Don’t leave home without it,”; never leave home at all.

 

Ebonics: Yo, don’t axt.

 

Eft: Polite expression for “fucked” as in “I was all eft up.”

 

Elmer Fudd: “You kwaithy wabbit!”

 

Entrepreneur: Highest form of life. Must be encouraged by tax breaks.

 

Entropy: Obscure term for dust. Always say, “You’re wearing me out!”

 

Evangelist: “To err is human, to forgive, divine.” Words to remember if you are caught in a motel room with a prostitute.

 

Every Home Should Have One: Roach Motel, bidet, lava lamp, Nordic Track, microwave, Barcalounger, Peter Max print, Home Shopping Channel, Turtle Wax, Weed Wacker, Saniflush, Roto Rooter, Tupperware, Prozac, Muzak, the Clapper, Handicam, Shake and Bake, Rice-a-Roni, Krazy Glue, nicotine patches, Alpo, Dentucreme, Preparation H, Maxi Pads, HBO, USA Today. 

 

                               ***************************

 

Fad: Anything that is passe by the time this dictionary is published.

 

Fag: British term for butt.

 

Fair Deal: Immediately suspect anyone who offers you one. See Used Car Dealer.

 

Family: Nuclear. “The pillar of society.” Always extol even if you despise your relatives. See Relativity Theory.

 

Family (Manson): Ancient sixties phenomenon. All in hoosegow. See Gerald Ford, another close call.

 

Family Planning: See “Jimmy Hat.” “The best laid plans of mice and men often come to naught.”

 

Family Values: CostCo, Walmart, K-Mart, Home Depot, Burger King, Cheese Whiz, the Simpsons, Vanna White, Oprah. See Lobotomy.

 

Fans: They form clubs and identify with people they don’t know and never will.

 

Fanelli’s: If you don’t know, don’t ask.

 

Fat Farm: Misspelling of “Phat Farm.”  

 

Fat Free: Come and get it.

 

Father: Deplore deadbeat ones.

 

Female: Genetic aberration, cost Adam a rib.

 

Feminism: Cosmo and and M.S. Vicious plot to upset and confuse the normal balance of nature.

 

Filibuster: Euphemism for “logorrhea” and “bullshit.” Only used in Congress.

 

Flatulence: P.U. Only smell your own.

 

Floozy: See Dot Com.

 

Fly By Night: See Dick Cheney. Also see Cave.

 

Flying Saucers: Scorn people who believe in them. Go to all movies and see all televisions programs about them.

 

Focus Group: Coffee klatch that determines everything that politicians, marketing strategists, and ad men say in public.

 

Fortune: See Indicted.

 

Framed: Always say, “I was framed!” Also obscure art term.

 

Fraternity: “Liberte, egalite, faternite.” See sorority after a beer bust.

 

                             *************************

 

Gangsta Rap: Always denounce it unless you are in the music business.

 

GATT: Obsolete gangster term for hand gun.

 

Geek: Not to be confused with dork. Wears white socks and pocket protector. See Nerd.

 

Guerrilla: Not a great ape. They generally hang on the periphery of Club Med.

 

Gin: Made with juniper berries. Makes you mean. All English people drink it while swapping spit.

 

God: Allah Akbar! Wrathful. Omnipotent. Made everything in six days.  “God does not play dice with the universe.”  Plays poker. “What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do all night? He tosses around in bed wondering if there is a Dog or not.” See Hot Dog Chute.

 

Google: I,000,000,000,000,000,000,000… Also, a lap dancing aficionado.

 

Googolplex: Halfway decent race horse.

 

Gold Standard: Atavistic obsession with useless metal. Never to be confused with junk bonds.

 

Graffiti: Words of wisdom. Always deplore in any public place except art galleries. See Basquiat.

 

Greed: Is good.

 

Gross National Product: See Walmart.

 

Grunge: See Fad.

 

Guru: Misspelling of “gnu”, apparently an African antelope.

 

                             ************************

 

Hacker: Butcher, tree surgeon, axe murderer, Hollywood writer, cab driver.

 

Hair plug: Don’t confuse with butt plug. See Dr. Mohamed Al Ali’s scholarly dissertation, “The Evolution of the Buttplug: From Wood to Rubber.”

 

Halfway House: Stopgap between aimless motion and religion. Immediately out of the neighborhood unless you are a pimp, gangsta, whore, or social worker.

 

Hanging Out: Teenagers are required to do it.

 

Hard Drive: See Viagra.

 

Hard On: Never mind.

 

Haute Couture: Fancy French term for shmatas.

 

Herman Nootick: Inventor of the Hula Hoop and master of the kettle drum. Arcane term for obfuscating, “What’s what?”

 

Hip: Everyone is now hip even if they are complete nurds and squares. See Hep.

 

Hip Hop: The magisterial epitome of high culture. See P. Diddy, haute couture, and say what?!

 

Heir: See Airhead.

 

Hollywood: “Tinsel Town.” Gives you “the business.” Architectural wasteland since the demolition of the Brown Derby.

 

Homeland Security: Fantastic excuse to establish Fascist State. See Reichstag Fire.

 

Home Shopping Channel: For invalid mall rats.

 

Hooker: Famous Civil War general. Not to be confused with hookworm.

 

Hostage: See “Ho.” See “Stage.” You’ve got the picture. Also see Lap-dancer.

 

Hostile Takeover: “The Art of the Deal.”

 

Hot Dog Chute: Eyeballs, lips, ears, tails, entrails, and grizzle. Take me out to the ball game!

 

                          **************************

 

Idaho: “I thought I was the ho!” That will be fifty bucks for a BJ. See Hot Dog Chute.

 

Illegal Drugs: Denounce them. Take them discreetly.

 

Immigrants: “Send me you're teeming masses longing to be free.” Must not be allowed into the country unless they are good at picking produce or bring in money from Hong Kong.

 

Incontinent: See Piss.

 

Indicted: See Fortune 500. Not to be confused with the Indianapolis 500.

 

Infinity: If you can’t make it Thursday, how about forever?

 

Information Super Highway: Obsolete term for Wall Street scam.

 

Insanity Defense: Only use it if you can’t plead the fifth.

 

Internet: See Information Super Highway.

 

In Vitro Fertilization: Whites have black twins. Blacks have Chinese quadruplets.

 

Irrational Exuberance: Formerly Stock Market.

 

Irish: Bigots without borders. When they get off the boat, hand them a screw gun and wish them, “Top of the mornin!”

 

Irony: See Laundress.

 

                            ***************************

 

Jazz: Computer drive.

 

Jews: Have guilt.

 

Jogging: Good for everything but your knees, ankles, tendons and hardened arteries. Another word for Wanking,

 

Judaism: Has two dreary spin-offs, Christianity and Islam.

 

                           ***********************

 

Kangaroo: “Tie me kangaroo down, mate.” See Court.

 

Kick Ass: Always say, “Kiss my ass!”

 

Kiss Ass: Do it!

 

Koran: Word of God and the world of Islam, the second dreary spin-off of Judaism.

 

Kraut: Must always be sauer. Serve with bratwurst.

 

                                   ***********************

 

L.A.: “The Big Orange.” Insane, lame excuse for the exploitation of limited water, oil, concrete, stucco, and silicone. Always say, “I love L.A.!” except when in New York, San Francisco, Anchorage, or Tijuana.   

 

Lap Dancer: He thinks I’m a secretary on Wall Street.

 

Las Vegas: See Dot Com.

 

Legal Drugs: Always call them, “medication.”

 

Lesbian: Don’t stick your finger in that dyke!

 

Leverage: Put a rock underneath a piece of wood and push. Otherwise, go to Wall Street.

 

Liberace: Michael Jackson predecessor.

 

Life: “A tale told by a fool.”

 

Lingerie: Always pronounce, “Lonjeree.”

 

Liposuction: See Fat Free. Goes to hot dog chute.

 

Lobotomy: “I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy!” See Family Values.

 

Lottery: You have to be in it to win it. Also to lose it.

 

Lube Job: See Bush One and Two. Also the Book of Job.

 

Lunch: No such thing as a free one. Always free. Take it. “Let’s take it!” “I’ll have you for lunch…You are lunch!…You will never do lunch in this town again.” See Agent and Hollywood.

          

                               **************************

 

Mafia: Doesn’t exist. Fugget about it. See Waste Management.

 

Malfeasance: More or less feasant.

 

Mall: See Shopaholic.

 

Mall Rat: See Osama Bin Laden.

 

Managed Care: Mortician’s paradise. Always loudly denounce “socialized medicine.”

 

Martha Stewart: Penultimate WASP who’s not even a WASP. Shady Polish background. Currently available for prison cell redecoration.

 

Marxism: Discredited theory named after an old man with a beard. See Communism.

 

Media: Owned by Rupert Murdoch. Always slanted toward the left.

 

Men In Black: See New York art dealers, leather bars, morticians.

 

Mental Block: Uhh…

 

Methadone Program: What junkies watch on their stolen television sets.

 

Metric System: Stand up for the foot! Don’t give an inch!

 

Mexicans: Lazy and shiftless. They all want to move to the United States. Good for picking crops because they are built low to the ground.

 

Microwave: When you cook something say, “I’m nuking it,” Also punk hairstyle.

 

Military Intelligence: Like “military music.” See Oxymoron.

 

Militia: Must be well regulated.

 

Mind: A terrible thing to waste. Always say, “Mind your own business.”

 

Mockery: See first page of this dictionary. Always say, “Are you mocking me?!”

 

Mohawk: Must be purple or green.

 

Money: “Root of all evil.” You can never have enough.

 

Money Laundering: “No tickee, no laundry.” See Offshore.

 

Monkey Business: See Money Laundering 

 

Moral Majority: Obsolete term for three percent of the population.

 

Mother: If you have a face only she could love, consider cosmetic surgery.

 

Mouthpiece: Dentures, tooth implant.

 

Movie stars: Actors who are widely known and respected. Their political opinions must always be taken seriously.

 

MTV: Longest running, continuous commercial in television history.

 

Mummy: The Queen mum. Is she still dead? See Spiro Agnew.

 

Muslims: Are all terrorists except for the Sultan of Brunei.

 

                                *********************

 

NAFTA: Main ingredient in mothballs.

 

NASDAQ: “Stock market of the future.”

 

NATO: Always say, “Poland, Hungary, the Czech Republic, and Slovenia must be allowed in.”

 

New York Post: “The Journal of Record.” Why isn’t Page Six on Page Six anymore? “Awesome boor who inhabits Elaine’s, leg run over by a garbage truck while having a tryst in a snow bank.” “At least it wasn’t his writing foot.”

 

Nigga: Never say it unless you are a gangsta or a stutterer who meant to say Nicaragua.

 

NIMBY: See Nuclear Waste, Minority Housing, Pornography, and Methadone Clinic. Not to be confused with Gumbie.

 

Normal: Always try to be even if it’s a stretch.

 

Nuclear Power: The risk is worth it but NIMBY.

 

Nuclear Waste: No sweat. Someone will figure out how to get rid of it.

 

                           **************************

 

Obese: Never use in polite company, Always say “zaftig” or “jolly.”

PC term: “People of Size.” Must be over four hundred pounds. See Rotund.

 

Obits: Only interesting part of the New York Times. Satellites do it.

 

Obstructionist: Anyone opposed to progress. Always denounce.

 

Obsession: Toiletry with soft core porn ad campaign,

 

Off Limits: Don’t go there unless you’re in the military.

 

Off, Off Broadway: Breeding ground for aspirants to work in silly shows on Broadway.

 

Off The Charts: Don’t ask, don’t tell.

 

Oil: Comes from underground dinosaurs. Must be consumed as quickly as possible.

 

Olive Oil: Just like the Russians. First it was bad, now it is good.

 

*Osama Bin Laden(917): Arab version of Fu Manchu. Plays center for the N.S.A.

 

Ontology: We’re not up to that yet.

 

Organized Religion: See Organized Crime. “Judaism and its two dreary spin-offs, Christianity and Islam.”

 

Out: Don’t do it to closet queens without their permission.

 

Oxymoron: Not to be confused with oxyimbecile.

 

 

                         ****************************

 

Papacy: Not to be confused with the Ku Klux Klan although they apparently have the same tailor.

 

Patriotism: “The last refuge of a scoundrel!” Always wrap yourself in the flag.

 

Pedophilia: See Catholic Church, NMBLA, Michael Jackson, Cub Scouts, Velvet Mafia,

 

Performance Art: See Enron.

 

Peripatetic: Sit down!

 

Personal Trainer: Celebrities would be naked without one.

 

PMS: Lame excuse for female misbehavior.

 

Phat: See the Atkin’s Diet.  

 

Phobia: Small, sub-Saharan republic. Home of the Vestal Virgins, arming to fight off immanent invasion of tattooed pistol-packing diesel dykes obsessed with their natural resources. 

 

Photo Opportunity: Always say, “photo op.”

 

Politician: Pretends to enjoy endless supply of rubber chicken, cold pizza, corn dogs, and Paco’s Tacos. See Actor.

 

Pork Barrel: See Politician.

 

Pornography: Deplorable. Indicative of decline of civilization. Must be hot.

 

Post Modern: Nobody knows. See End of History.

 

Post Mortem: See Post Modern.

 

Press Conference: Orchestrated piffle designed to bamboozle the press. See Photo Op. Every home should have one, one size fits all, suitable for framing, and soon to be a major motion picture, 

 

PR: Puerto Rican. See Grubman, always pronounced with long u.

 

Profit Margin: Take the money and run south.  

 

Pro Choice: You choose it.

 

Pro life: You don’t.

 

Prolapse: Don’t wish it on the worst asshole you know.

 

Prozac: Don’t tell anyone you take it.

 

Prophet: Never pay any attention to any of them, especially if they are stock market analysts. But, then, how you going to let that hot tip go by, sucka?

 

Pussy: Not to be confused with defunct Broadway musical, “Cats.”

 

                                  ***********************

 

Quack: “Crack” as pronounced by a dyslexic lisper. Also a derogatory term for upstanding pillars of the medical community. See A.M.A.

 

Quagmire: What we’re in right now. No cake walk. See Florida real estate.

 

Queen: Flaming.

 

Quicky: See Hot Dog Chute.

 

 

                            ***********************

 

Rap: Way to communicate with children. See Bad Rap.

 

Rat Race: Obsolete term implying that solid, upwardly striving citizens are rodents. If anyone mentions it say, “He who wins the rat race is still a rat.” See Yuppie.

 

Rehab: Meet Elizabeth Taylor, Betty Ford, Liza Minelli, Kirstie Alley, Robert Downey Jr….BYOB.

 

Reprobate: See Fanelli’s.

 

Reputation: Must be spotless.

 

Republicans: “Party of Lincoln.” Always wear cloth coats over the mink.

 

Rough Trade: Exchanging cold cash for Enron stock.

 

Russians: Testament to the powers of transformation. They were evil but now they are good with the exception of Moscow gangsters. Russians are always drunk on vodka.

 

                                  ******************

 

Safe Sex: Puritan fantasy. Always advocate its practice, especially to children and teenagers.

 

Safety Net: See Enron.

 

Salesman: See Miller, Mamet, Melville, Williams, and Dale Carnegie, Tony Roberts, Gary Null, Jimmy Swaggart, Pat Robertson, Jerry Falafel, Billy Graham.

 

Sanity: See Insanity. Also, Normal. No place in this world for the sane.

 

Scientology: “Religion to the stars.” Founded by Enron Hubbard. Not to be confused with Old Mother Hubbard.

 

Self Help: “I’m okay, you’re an idiot.”

 

Self Service: Masturbation.

 

Semiotics: Anyone’s guess.

 

Sex Drive: Zero memory disc. See Hard Drive.

 

Shareholder: Synonym for suckers, rubes, turkeys, and marks.

 

Shit House Rat: Nothing crazier.

 

Shopaholic: See Soho. “It used to be if you pissed off a roof you’d hit an artist. Now it’s someone on their way to Prada.”

 

Shredding: See Cabbage. When caught, do it as fast as you can.

 

Slacker: Middle management. Always deplore laziness.

 

Smoke Free: Cigarettes are on the house.

 

Snooker: Business tactic.

 

Social Security: Won’t be around by the time this is published. When you are with Republicans say: “Maybe it’s not such a bad idea to invest it in the private sector,” or “Wall Street should handle it.”

 

Socialist: If you are a Republican, anyone who disagrees with you. If you are a Democrat, hotly deny it. If you are a Socialist, don’t say anything at all.

 

Soporific: See Television.

 

Spa: Polite term for “rehab” or “fat farm.”

 

Spin Doctor: Famous break dancer. Also meretricious prevaricator.

 

Sports: Always be good ones.

 

Square: You don’t know? 

 

Stand Up: Only for the national anthem.

 

Stiletto: Former Italian prime minister.

 

Stockholder: Sucker, rube, turkey, mark. See Shareholder.

 

Suits: Class action. Joop, Armani,

 

Submarine: Sandwich sold in New Jersey. (See also Hoagy, Poor Boy).

 

Suck Wind: 50’s insult. No longer applicable.

 

Super Bowl: America’s greatest cultural event with the possible exception of the Academy Awards.

 

Super Model: Uber fraulein. See Nietzsche.

 

Sue: A boy named…

 

Sure Shot: Don’t confuse with “money shot.” All comers welcome.

 

Synergy: Word used to justify monopolistic mergers and acquisitions. No one knows what it means.

 

                              **************************

 

Tabloids: “Truth is stranger than fiction.” All owned by Rupert Murdoch.

 

Tanked: Belly up. What happens to Palestinian refugee camps. Blotto.

 

Taxes: Must be avoided at all costs.

 

Taxidermy: Preserve your pets, animals you have shot, fish you have caught, and your late dictator.

 

Taxpayer: Bulwark of the society. All important decisions are made in his name.

 

Technology: Every will be done by machines in the future. No one will have to work.

 

Technology (high): Where all jobs will come from in the future.

 

Television: Vast wasteland. Deplore all programs you watch.

 

Terrorist: See Arab.

 

Test Drive: Always offered by obsequious dude in polyester suit.

 

The American Century: Say what? Which century? See Dick Cheney and Hot Dog Chute.

 

The Importance of Being Earnest: None whatsoever.

 

The Whole Nine Yards: Punt unless you are one the one yard line.

 

Thin: “You can’t be too rich or too thin.” See Anorexia and Bulimia.

 

Tofu: See Vegan

 

Truffles: Very expensive. Only pigs can find them.

 

Trust Fund Baby: See Heir.

 

Tube: See Hot Dog Chute.

 

Tyrannosaurus Rex: Famous professional wrestler. Flintstone pet. See Dick Cheney.

 

                                ************************

 

Upchuck: Spill it on the street, be polite.

 

U.S.A.: God’s country! The land of opportunity! Amber waves of grain! Always say: “We’re number one!” Minor opponent of Osama Bin Laden. See Babbitt.

 

Usury: Old fashioned term for home loan and credit card.

 

                                   ***********************

 

Vatican: Pope locks door, goes home.

 

Vegan: See Tofu.

 

Vertical Integration: Something to do with affirmative action.

 

Viagra: Get on up! In Britain say, “Take the lift!”

 

Victim of Circumstance: Always say to victims, “We make our own luck!” especially when they try to borrow money. Being at the wrong place at the right time.

 

Void: See Gary Null.

 

                                  ********************

 

Wall Street: Suburb of Ground Zero.

 

Whale: Synonym for “helluva,” as in: “I had a whale of a good time.”

 

Wholesale: “I can get it for you…”

 

Wholesome: See Abnormal, Family values, Oxymoron.

 

Welfare: Everyone on it cheats. They are all rich and lazy.

 

Wirehead: Always tuned in. Consumes vast amounts of Diet Pepsi.

 

Women In Black: See Men In Black.

 

Wormy Ass Dog: Slides down street. See Hot Dog Chute.

 

 

                           ******************************

 

Xenophobe: Get away from me!

 

X-ray: Social. Never clean your plate. In fact, never eat anything at all.

 

Xylophone: Next generation of cell phone. Will do everything but pick your nose. Guaranteed to be more irritating to those around you because it can’t be turned off.

 

                         **********************************

 

Yo Boy: Aristocrat of the hood. Must have “tag.” 

 

Yoga: Not to be confused with famous Yankee catcher or burlesque.

 

Yo Mama: The artist formally known as Yo Yo Ma. Lost contract with Duncan. Desperately attempting to expand audience.

 

Yuppie: Endangered species with disappearing environmental niche. All they want is “loose shoes, tight pussy, and a warm place to shit.”

 

Yuppie Scum: Wave your fist and shout, “Die, Yuppie scum!” when you are almost run over by a Range Rover.

 

                                    ***********************

 

Zany:  

 

Zapped: What you get when your hair dryer falls into the bathtub.

 

Zealot: Always denounce zealously.  

 

Zeitgeist: “The Spirit of the Age.”  If you hear it, say “Gesundheit!”

Frank Gillette & Kevin Bartlema

New York @ Fanelli's Cafe / 1999